campylobacter: campy's porn shack (sarcasm)
[personal profile] campylobacter
TITLE: Jack & Sam Dr. Suess Porn
AUTHORS: [livejournal.com profile] shakespherical  & [livejournal.com profile] campylobacter
RATING: R/Mature
FANDOM: Stargate SG-1
CROSS-POSTED TO: [livejournal.com profile] sam_and_jack on 15 May 2011, and [livejournal.com profile] crackified_gate on 14 May 2011
CATEGORY: poetry (bad); crack
WORD COUNT: 764
PAIRINGS: Sam/Jack
CHARACTERS: Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter
SUMMARY/PREMISE: [livejournal.com profile] shakespherical  was SO inspired by some gawdawful Sam/Jack fanfiction I rec'ed to her, that she dropped Jack & Sam into "Green Eggs & Ham". I added Daniel, Teal'c, and astrophysics.

I am Jack

I'm a jock
Jack the Jock.

That Sam-I-am
That Sam-I-am!
I want to fuck
that Sam-I-am
Do you like
my big thick cock?

I do not like it,
Jack the jock.
I do not like
your big thick cock.

Would you like it
Here or there?

I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your big thick cock
I do not like it,
Colonel Jock.

Would you like it
in a pie?
Would you like it
with a cake?

I do not like it
in a pie.
I do not like it
with a cake.
The pie I like
is pi r squared.
Your radius exceeds
Your underwear.
I do not like your big thick cock.
I do not like it, Ja-- Colonel, sir.

Would you put it
in your box?
Would you suck
a silver fox?

Not in my box
You silver fox.
Not in a pie.
Not with a cake.
I would not suck it here or there.
I would not suck it anywhere.
I would not suck your big thick cock.
I do not like it, Jack the-- um, sir.

Would you? Could you?
through the Gate?
Suck it! Suck it!
Concentrate!

I would not,
could not,
through the Gate

You may like it.
You will see.
You may like it
next to T?

Not next to Teal'c!
I would not, could not next to T.
Not through the Gate! Sir, let me be.
I would not like it on this planet.
I'd rather spend more time with Janet.
Why don't you go ask Daniel?
Walk a beagle or a spaniel.
I do not want it in a cab
I'd rather work inside my lab.
I do not like your big thick cock.
I do not like it, Colonel, sir.

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Could you, would you
on a train?

Not on a train! I'm not a slut!
I have a brain! Use Daniel's butt.
I would not, could not, in my box.
I could not, would not, silver fox.
No matter how you whine or beg
To suck it is against the regs
I will not suck it here or there.
I will not suck it anywhere.
I do not like it, Colonel, sir.


Say!
In the dark?
Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

Sir, Siler knows about this supply closet.

Would you, could you,
in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on a train,
Not through the Gate, Not next to T.
I do not like it, sir, you see.
What I do like, what pleases me
Is superconductivity
The quantum phenomenon--
Sir, wake up.

You do not like
my big thick cock?

I do not like it,
Colonel, sir.

Could you, would you,
with a Goold?

I would not,
could not
with a Goa'uld!

Would you, could you,
if you're bored?

Not even with a System Lord.
I will not, will not, with a Goa'uld.
I will not suck it in the rain.
I will not suck it on a train.
Not in the dark! Not next to T!
Not even on a DHD!
I do not like it in my box.
I do not like it, silver fox.
I will not suck it when you bellow
Not even served with some blue Jell-O
I do not like it here or there.
Or time-warped through a solar flare.

I do not like
Your big thick cock!
I do not like it,
Colonel Jock.

You do not like it.
SO you say.
Try it! Try it!
And you may.
Try it, fer cryin' out loud.

Sir!
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
You will see.


Sir!
I like your big thick cock!
I do!! I like it, Jack the Jock!
And I would suck it on a MALP!
And I would massage it with my scalp!
And I will suck it in the rain.
And in the dark. And blow your brains.
And on a ship. And next to T.
It is so good so good you see!

So I will put it in my box.
And I will suck my silver fox.
And I will lave your perfect scrotum.
And I will suck a partial vacuum.
And I will fuck you here and there.
You're hotter than a solar flare!

I do so like
your big thick cock!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Colonel, sir.

See Carter? What'd I tell ya?

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 02:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lc59.livejournal.com
I. AM. SPEECHLESS.
Thanks to you two I probably never be able to read this book to any future grandchildren.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 02:51 am (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (facepalm)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
LOL

Believe me, this is better than the dren that it inspired it. ;D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 02:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lc59.livejournal.com
Yes, sadly I too have glanced thru some of her stuff. Needless to say it didn't keep my attention for long.

I don't know what else to say except

Date: 2011-05-15 02:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gingasaur.livejournal.com


crying. laughing. the whole way through.

Re: I don't know what else to say except

Date: 2011-05-15 02:55 am (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (LOL)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
No actual blue Jell-O was harmed in the making of this crack.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 02:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shakespherical.livejournal.com
I bow to your superior crack. (so to speak!) I cannot lay claim to the truly inspired bits!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 02:55 am (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (stick ppl)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
It's frightening what reading badfic will do to brain cells. ;D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 02:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cleothemuse.livejournal.com
*dies*

*revives*

*dies again*

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 03:01 am (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (iz-ded)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
YOU STARTED IT.

It's ALL YOUR FAULT.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 04:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cleothemuse.livejournal.com
*ascends and takes a bow*

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] magnavox-23.livejournal.com
There are no words. You have already used them so eloquently here! *bows down before ye ladies*

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 02:52 pm (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (fear)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
Thanks!

I keep fearing that the ghost of Theodore Geisel (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss) will pay me a revenge-haunting.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 07:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eilidh17.livejournal.com
Well, that's the end of Dr. Suess for me! You girls are amazing :)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 02:56 pm (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (Indeed)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
I expected to be smacked for attempting to rhyme "scrotum" and "vacuum", but Shakes let it slide. ;D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 03:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eilidh17.livejournal.com
Geez! Now its not just Green Eggs and Ham but the whole Suess collection! I'll never be able to look at my hoover the same way again... not to mention the husband's... err, never mind. TMI

;)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 04:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] openended.livejournal.com
A+.

Just...amazing.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 04:11 pm (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (awesome)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
Thanks!

This is what happens when a Daniel/Vala, Jack/Daniel, Sam/Janet, Sam/Teal'c 'shipper ventures into Sam/Jack territory. ;D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 04:14 pm (UTC)
ext_45525: Gleeful Baby Riding A Bouncy Horse Toy (Sex After 50)
From: [identity profile] thothmes.livejournal.com
Okay, the point that I just lost it and started howling with laughter was at

Suck it! Suck it!
Concentrate!


After five (much younger) siblings and four kids, I've put in my time in Seussland, and this just makes it all the sweeter.

I don't know which particular badfic writer is being lampooned, nor do I need to know, having probably read the work in question at some point myself, but I have definitely read enough to know that this is very... earned.

Thank you both for turning lead into gold for my benefit!

You see what happens when I have to spend a night off the web to attend to rl? [resolves to plug in and leave those pesky practicalities to deal with themselves]

****************
Edited for a particularly sense-muddling spelling error
Edited Date: 2011-05-15 04:16 pm (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 04:31 pm (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (awesome)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
Glad it made you laugh!

Shakes's original version observed perfect scansion, then I inserted in-universe stuff, which played fast & loose with the trisyllabic meter.

You've probably come across stories by The Milkmaid (my nickname for her) and promptly clicked away in horror.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 04:38 pm (UTC)
ext_45525: Gleeful Baby Riding A Bouncy Horse Toy (Ahhhhhhh!)
From: [identity profile] thothmes.livejournal.com
Yes. Yes I have. And you nailed my reaction.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arafel-sedai.livejournal.com
Oh dear GOD!

I'm flabbergasted.... truly.

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Nuff said! ;-D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 04:48 pm (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (fear)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
I promised Shakes that I'd write her some really good Sam/Jack porn to make up for this crack. :D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 04:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jessica-eliza.livejournal.com
I love you for doing this. HAHAHAHAHA. It's outbursts of LOUD laughter while I read through this. Hilarious. xD

(And is it bad now I'm curious to know which horrendous fic that inspired you? xD)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 04:45 pm (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (fear)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
Thanks! Shakes & I enjoy inspiring LULZ for Stargate fans.

I'm sure you've encountered this Sam/Jack brain-bleach-inducing epic of WTF (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5281079/1/Till_we_meet_again).

And to be fair, the beagle reference is an homage to notoriously horrendous Jack/Daniel fic (http://orrymain.com/beagleintervention.htm).

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 05:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jessica-eliza.livejournal.com
I think the both of you should write more of such crack. :D

I actually haven't encountered those fics until now. Have only read fics via LJ. :P But usually if I find an author I really like, I stick to him/her (mainly to avoid reading horrible fics xD)

And I attempted the first chapter (the Sam/Jack one). Oh dear god. OH MY GOD. lol. I am in the state of "WTF + LOL" xD And the second chapter. OMFG dood. My eyes, my BRAIN >.< I see what you mean by brain-bleach-inducing epic WTF. lol

I can't even finish reading the Jack/Daniel one...

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 05:12 pm (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (fear)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
OMG so sorry to expose you to such awfulness. I read Chapters 1, 2 & 16 (which was quite enough) and I too, had to stop at the telepathic Beagle fic halfway through.

There are plenty of good fanfic authors who deserve attention instead.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 05:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jessica-eliza.livejournal.com
I can't believe you actually finished chapter 2. I just...I can't. LOL. And no worries, while one and a half chapters left me wanting to scrub my eyes, brains and ears, it was amusing while it lasted. xD

Now you have to write something awesome to make up for exposing me to traumatizing fics. Mwahahaha

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 06:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rdamel.livejournal.com
I clicked on the link (which has disappeared in the last few minutes--computers are weird!), saw the author's name, knew it from years back when I read some S/J on another site--I recall once trying to tell her about the need for better proofreading (trying to put it kindly) and she told me she was dyslexic and so I just stopped reading any of it as soon as I saw her name. Anyway, I read a few sentences of the one you had the link to, and quit. Never again! I'm so glad that I found lj and much better quality of writing some years ago!

I rarely read J/D (I've evolved into much more of a gen or team reader, though I also still love some good Sam/Jack or Sara/Jack, when I can find it), but I have heard tell of the hideous telepathic beagle thing, so when I saw the beagle reference here, I was amused.

And of course it goes w/o saying that I was vastly amused by all of this crackfic in verse, though I will now have trouble with Dr. Seuss forever more! Luckily my grand-niece is growing past that age pretty soon.

Thanks for a good laugh!
Melissa M.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 07:34 pm (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (wank)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
I'd screened the comment in a fit of guilt-- sorry! I undid it because frak it, I'm not afraid to call out horrid, OOC fanfic for characters who deserve better treatment.

I enjoy all pairings & Gen fic -- except when authors get it wrong.

You're welcome for the laugh; laughing's one of my favorite activities. :D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 10:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rockywolford.livejournal.com
I'm still a bit new to some of this fic stuff, but that's fraking hilarious! And ooer about that fic you linked to, I think the emoticon is :-S

(no subject)

Date: 2011-05-15 10:29 pm (UTC)
ext_391411: There is a god sitting here with wet fingers. (Qetesh)
From: [identity profile] campylobacter.livejournal.com
Glad you found it hilarious. :D

The link to the unfortunate fic, I fear, will give those authors more hit counts with a disproportionate lack of feedback. D:

Open Journal

Friend/de-Friend/Ban me = it's all good.

Fandom's more fun when you're an equal-opportunity pervert (multi-shipper). Set porn goggles to maximum!

Mostly Stargate SG-1 with an intermittent chance of SGA & The X-Files.

BEWARE: My LJ is NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

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